SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*