SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
A male goth is called a broth.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.