SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.