Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#gardening

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae