Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
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if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.