Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Not today
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.