shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
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GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.