shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
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me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.