Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
