Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
That’s enough internet for the day
dutch so unserious
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.