shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
(Gaming support cat.)
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
just pretend nothing happened
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”