Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt