Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.