Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.