@Rlpihl

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

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@decentbirthday

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

@iamspacegirl

if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day

@ArielSElias

AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.

@james_comics

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@TheMichaelRock

Some guy told me I wasn’t funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.

@FunnyBison

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

@KyleMcDowell86

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

@themessednest

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.