Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
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Welcome To Walmart.