Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it