Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no