Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
You Might Also Like
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird