Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
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Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
No one can handle that
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.