Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them