Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
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My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.