Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
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