Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
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[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Good morning.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
i hate you platonically
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine