Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number