shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
