Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
*puts my mental health in rice
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,