Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

👽

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

He’s dead

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*