Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy