Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
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Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I think the cat got the dog high.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I think about this a lot
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.