Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
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satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Encore…
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.