Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
What personal space?
My dog
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
🤯🤯🤯
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*