Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I laughed at this way too hard.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge