Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
British websites use biscuits.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]