Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
what it’s like dating me:
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.