Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Canadian owl: Eh?
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down