Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

I can fix him.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.