Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

😂

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.