Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Always 🥴
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home