Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
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I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Sharon, call the vet
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
North and South
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice