Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
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Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.