Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
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Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
