Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

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*tries for a year to brush and floss better*

*goes to dentist*

Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?


*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*


Neighbour chat:

“Not bad, thanks, you?”
“Yeah not bad!”
“Haha, see you later!”

Then into the safety of your car, to wonder why you laughed so much for no reason


When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened


I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.


[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots


Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.


sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad


My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.

I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.