*tries for a year to brush and floss better*
*goes to dentist*
Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“Not bad, thanks, you?”
“Yeah not bad!”
“Haha, see you later!”
Then into the safety of your car, to wonder why you laughed so much for no reason
ppl: are u sick?
me: no, im just ugly
When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened
I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad
My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.
I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.