Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song