Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Best spoiler warning ever
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.