Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Warm pools make me nervous.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

this is a sign that you need a union

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding