Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
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Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Donkey I Shreked the Kids