Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
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[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no