Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
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I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Autocorrect completely socks
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
#Caturday
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain