Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
can’t catch a break
