Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you