Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.