Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
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I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first