Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.