Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze