Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I’m awake but I object,
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.