Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
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[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.