Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.