Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
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“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Rt to bother an English speaker
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary