Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.