Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

bout dat hot dog summer

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

💀💀