shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol