Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Lol
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.