Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.