Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?