Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

THIS HEADLINE

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

The only equipped I am is ill.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

A short story about romance.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

“I’d like to speak with a manager”