Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird