Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.