Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

“i miss shittin on people”

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

dating is so overrated. let’s just get married

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey