Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down