my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
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If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target