shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
You Might Also Like
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Oops 🤭
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Unimpressed
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
channeling her this year
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
