shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
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They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.