Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

I’m having an out of money experience.

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”