Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
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*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Today I’m going to give it my almost