Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
You Might Also Like
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”