Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?